1
00:00:01,730 --> 00:00:04,990
ś It seems today
that all you see ś
2
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:08,330
ś Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ś
3
00:00:08,340 --> 00:00:12,240
ś But where are those
good old-fashioned values ś
4
00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:15,040
ś On which we used to rely? ś
5
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:18,210
ś Lucky there's a family guy ś
6
00:00:18,210 --> 00:00:22,080
ś Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ś
7
00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:24,010
ś All the things that make us ś
8
00:00:24,020 --> 00:00:25,280
ś Laugh and cry ś
9
00:00:25,290 --> 00:00:31,530
ś He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ś
10
00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:38,030
How's the garage sale
going, Quagmire?
Pretty good.
11
00:00:38,030 --> 00:00:39,900
Just clearing some of my stuff
out of the basement.
12
00:00:39,900 --> 00:00:42,870
It's amazing what you find
when you clean your basement.
13
00:00:42,870 --> 00:00:45,630
Peter, you almost done
down there?
14
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:47,070
(laughing)
15
00:00:47,070 --> 00:00:48,300
Look what I found.
16
00:00:48,310 --> 00:00:49,370
That's wonderful, Peter.
17
00:00:49,380 --> 00:00:53,550
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go do some skywriting.
18
00:00:59,190 --> 00:01:02,060
(cackling)
19
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:04,830
Hey, look at all these videos
Mr. Quagmire's selling.
20
00:01:04,830 --> 00:01:08,000
Wow, The Best of the World's
W ildest Police Chases.
21
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:12,610
(gasps)
And it even has the one
with the Flintstones!
22
00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:13,700
(horns honking)
23
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:15,830
ANNOUNCER:
Amazingly, this drunk driver
24
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,880
turns left
into oncoming traffic!
25
00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:20,140
He narrowly misses
hitting a pedestrian
26
00:01:20,140 --> 00:01:22,940
who jumps out of the way
just in time.
27
00:01:22,940 --> 00:01:23,910
Now the driver can add
28
00:01:23,910 --> 00:01:25,980
attempted battery
to the charges.
29
00:01:25,980 --> 00:01:28,280
The driver turns right
into the parking lot
30
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,150
of a drive-in movie theater.
31
00:01:30,150 --> 00:01:34,120
At this point,
the dinosaur in the backseat
32
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:35,320
pokes his head up
through the roof
33
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,390
and the driver places two
small children on top of it.
34
00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:42,160
Now he's not only
endangering his own life,
35
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:44,760
but their lives as well.
36
00:01:44,770 --> 00:01:47,870
The driver totals the car
and makes a run for it,
37
00:01:47,870 --> 00:01:51,370
but the pursuing officers
are prepared.
38
00:01:51,370 --> 00:01:53,070
Running from the cops?
39
00:01:53,070 --> 00:01:55,440
Yabba-dabba-don't!
40
00:01:55,610 --> 00:01:58,940
Hey, Quagmire, I think I might
wanna buy this ham radio off ya.
41
00:01:58,950 --> 00:02:00,820
Sure, Peter,
that'll be $50.
42
00:02:00,810 --> 00:02:01,940
50 bucks?
43
00:02:01,950 --> 00:02:03,050
All right, fine,
I'll buy it.
44
00:02:03,050 --> 00:02:06,580
Man, this is a bigger rip-off
than Shrunky Dinks.
45
00:02:07,420 --> 00:02:08,820
They already been shrunk.
46
00:02:08,820 --> 00:02:10,990
Happy "birthmas."
47
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,130
(static crackling)
48
00:02:16,130 --> 00:02:19,700
Peter, you been fiddling with
that ham radio for seven weeks.
49
00:02:19,700 --> 00:02:20,200
Take a shower!
50
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:22,930
I can barely get any reception
on this stupid thing.
51
00:02:22,940 --> 00:02:25,780
So far the only station that
comes in is some British guys
52
00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:28,000
reading news from places
I'm not sure exist.
53
00:02:28,010 --> 00:02:31,010
Today, in Kuzikistan,
a peaceful demonstration
54
00:02:31,010 --> 00:02:33,940
turned to bloodshed as members
of the Turzirly tribe
55
00:02:33,950 --> 00:02:35,910
flooded Kenpao Square
in remembrance
56
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:38,760
of the third anniversary
of the Hormsburg Massacre.
57
00:02:38,750 --> 00:02:41,950
But finally, some good news
out of neighboring Kanduzi,
58
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,300
as locals there have reached
an uneasy alliance
59
00:02:44,290 --> 00:02:46,560
with the bordering
Trolika Bubsie Wubsie Dal.
60
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,830
And now with sports,
here's Framptal Tromwibbler.
61
00:02:49,830 --> 00:02:52,660
From the world of sport,
the Cointen Spinky Whompers
62
00:02:52,670 --> 00:02:55,240
flumped the Floing Boing
Welfencloppers,
63
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,080
70-fluff to 40-flabe.
64
00:02:57,070 --> 00:02:59,840
At the tone, the time
will be 26 railroad.
65
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:00,970
(tone beeps)
66
00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:02,210
I'm not sure about any of that.
67
00:03:02,210 --> 00:03:04,870
You know, Dad, I saw
that movie White Noise,
68
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:07,410
and they said you can
use empty radio static
69
00:03:07,410 --> 00:03:09,040
to talk to dead people.
70
00:03:09,050 --> 00:03:10,780
You idiot,
ghosts don't exist.
71
00:03:10,780 --> 00:03:13,150
Wait a second. They might.
72
00:03:13,150 --> 00:03:15,450
(static crackling)
73
00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:17,460
Hello, ghosts.
74
00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:18,850
Come in, ghosts.
75
00:03:18,860 --> 00:03:20,060
MAN:
Hello?
76
00:03:20,060 --> 00:03:21,360
Hello? Who's this?
77
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,190
This is Ronald Reagan.
78
00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,040
Ronald Reagan?
79
00:03:24,030 --> 00:03:25,790
The guy that used to bang
that 70-pound witch?
80
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:29,730
Ronald Reagan, former
President of the United States.
81
00:03:29,740 --> 00:03:31,340
Oh, my God!
82
00:03:31,340 --> 00:03:32,500
(dialing)
83
00:03:32,510 --> 00:03:36,850
Hey, Quagmire, guess who
I'm talking to right now?
84
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,210
Yep!
85
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,440
Brian, will you take me
down to Baby Gap?
86
00:03:42,450 --> 00:03:45,150
I want to dress
like a small douche.
87
00:03:45,150 --> 00:03:46,420
No, maybe tomorrow or Tuesday.
88
00:03:46,420 --> 00:03:48,120
But you said you'd do it today.
89
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:49,220
Eh, I'm kinda tired.
90
00:03:49,220 --> 00:03:50,350
Oh, for God's sake.
91
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:51,960
Cancel my Tuesday appointments!
92
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,020
Sure thing, Stewie.
93
00:03:53,030 --> 00:03:55,170
You want me to move it
to another day?
94
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:56,360
No, no, just cancel it.
95
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:58,330
Okay, will do.
96
00:03:58,330 --> 00:03:59,460
Who the hell was that?
Hmm?
97
00:03:59,470 --> 00:04:00,970
There was another
Stewie right there.
98
00:04:00,970 --> 00:04:03,500
Oh, yeah, well, you know,
I've been so damn busy lately,
99
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:04,900
my schedule's been so packed,
100
00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:06,950
I felt like I needed
some kind of an errand boy
101
00:04:06,940 --> 00:04:09,370
to do all my nitpicky,
pain-in-the-ass stuff.
102
00:04:09,380 --> 00:04:10,420
So I cloned myself.
103
00:04:10,410 --> 00:04:12,310
You... you cloned yourself?
104
00:04:12,310 --> 00:04:13,110
What are you? Deaf?
105
00:04:13,110 --> 00:04:16,510
So he's an exact
copy of you?
Well, not exact.
106
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:17,820
I have to remain superior
107
00:04:17,820 --> 00:04:19,280
so I bred out some
of the intelligence.
108
00:04:19,290 --> 00:04:21,360
Made him sort of
a simpleton, you know.
109
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:23,630
I call him Bitch Stewie.
110
00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:25,820
Would you like to meet him?
111
00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,360
Would you like
to meet Bitch Stewie?
112
00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:29,830
Uh, yeah, I guess.
113
00:04:29,830 --> 00:04:30,960
Bitch Stewie!
114
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,830
Come here and meet
my friend, Brian.
115
00:04:32,830 --> 00:04:33,460
Hey, there, Stewie.
116
00:04:33,470 --> 00:04:35,040
Oh, what's that?
You got a friend?
117
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,980
Oh, I'm always happy to meet
one of your friends.
118
00:04:37,970 --> 00:04:38,530
Dear God.
119
00:04:38,540 --> 00:04:41,300
How do you do?
Pleased to meet you.
I'm Bitch Stewie.
120
00:04:41,310 --> 00:04:42,140
He's got quite a grip.
121
00:04:42,140 --> 00:04:45,140
Hey, Bitch Stewie, why are
there no midget accountants?
122
00:04:45,150 --> 00:04:48,050
Because they always
come up short.
123
00:04:48,050 --> 00:04:49,340
(laughing)
124
00:04:49,350 --> 00:04:50,950
Oh, another good one, Stewie!
125
00:04:50,950 --> 00:04:52,820
I don't know where
you come up with them.
126
00:04:52,820 --> 00:04:53,980
Isn't he wonderful?
127
00:04:53,990 --> 00:04:57,030
And all I have to feed him
is a crude peanut paste.
128
00:04:57,020 --> 00:04:58,420
Watch this.
129
00:04:59,030 --> 00:05:00,400
Uh-huh!
130
00:05:00,390 --> 00:05:02,160
It's not much,
but it's healthier
131
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,830
than what people
ate in the '50s.
132
00:05:03,830 --> 00:05:05,230
Steak and doughnut
sandwich, please.
133
00:05:05,230 --> 00:05:06,730
You want cigarettes
on that sandwich?
134
00:05:06,730 --> 00:05:08,260
What do I look like?
A Mary?
135
00:05:08,270 --> 00:05:09,930
Yes, I want cigarettes!
136
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:14,040
Okay, next up on the stage,
137
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:17,970
let's have a big karaoke welcome
for Peter and Ron!
138
00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:19,170
(light applause)
139
00:05:19,180 --> 00:05:21,380
Okay, this is one
of our favorites.
140
00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:23,910
Hope it's one of yours.
141
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:27,090
ś ś
142
00:05:29,790 --> 00:05:32,290
ś Don't go breaking my heart ś
143
00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:34,420
(feedback squealing)
ś I couldn't... ś
144
00:05:34,430 --> 00:05:36,160
(screaming)
Ow!
145
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:39,730
ś Oh, honey, if I get restless ś
146
00:05:39,730 --> 00:05:42,000
ś Baby, you're... ś
(feedback squealing)
147
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,130
(screaming)
148
00:05:46,170 --> 00:05:49,470
ś Don't go breaking my heart ś
149
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:52,220
(feedback squealing)
(screaming)
150
00:05:52,210 --> 00:05:57,150
ś Oh, honey, when I knock
on your door ś
151
00:05:57,150 --> 00:06:00,780
(feedback squealing)
(screaming)
152
00:06:03,890 --> 00:06:06,360
Oh, sorry, didn't realize
somebody was in here.
153
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:07,690
What the hell?
154
00:06:07,690 --> 00:06:09,490
Oh, hello, Brian.
155
00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:11,500
Oh, there's your
friend, Brian!
156
00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:12,260
Hey, Brian!
157
00:06:12,270 --> 00:06:14,870
I sure did enjoy talking
to you the other day!
158
00:06:14,870 --> 00:06:17,230
I'm just making sure
Stewie is nice and clean
159
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,380
for his trip to the playground
this afternoon.
160
00:06:19,370 --> 00:06:21,000
We had a little bit
of a problem earlier
161
00:06:21,010 --> 00:06:24,370
because Bitch Stewie was
stooling in the tub, wasn't he?
162
00:06:24,380 --> 00:06:25,140
I did some poos.
163
00:06:25,150 --> 00:06:26,320
I did some poos
I didn't mean to.
164
00:06:26,310 --> 00:06:29,280
But we've rectified that now,
and everything's fine.
165
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:30,150
This is really weird.
166
00:06:30,150 --> 00:06:32,010
I mean, it's one thing
to have him help you out
167
00:06:32,020 --> 00:06:33,020
with a busy schedule.
168
00:06:33,020 --> 00:06:34,550
It's another thing
to let him wash your back.
169
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,430
Well, he does more
than that, Brian.
170
00:06:36,420 --> 00:06:39,150
Bitch Stewie, give
me a bubble beard.
171
00:06:39,930 --> 00:06:42,430
Look at me, I'm
George Bernard Shaw.
172
00:06:42,430 --> 00:06:44,930
(laughing):
That's awful funny, Stewie!
173
00:06:44,930 --> 00:06:47,330
I don't know who
George Bernard Shaw is,
174
00:06:47,330 --> 00:06:49,970
but you look like
an old Stewie, Stewie.
175
00:06:49,970 --> 00:06:52,300
Enjoy your weird bath.
176
00:06:52,310 --> 00:06:53,680
I told him I did the poos
177
00:06:53,670 --> 00:06:55,940
even though you did
the poos, Stewie.
178
00:06:55,940 --> 00:06:57,170
Did I do good, Stewie?
179
00:06:57,180 --> 00:06:59,350
That was very correct
of you, Bitch Stewie.
180
00:06:59,350 --> 00:07:01,520
You're a good helper.
181
00:07:04,990 --> 00:07:06,630
REAGAN:
And what a lot
of people don't know
182
00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:09,250
is that I was
Jane Wyman's first.
183
00:07:09,260 --> 00:07:12,060
You might say
I broke her Jane Wyman.
184
00:07:12,060 --> 00:07:13,960
(all laughing)
185
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:14,890
Oh, Reagan is a delight!
186
00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:16,100
He sure is, and you
know what else?
187
00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:20,170
The ghost of Reagan
is gonna be the new
fourth guy in our group.
188
00:07:20,170 --> 00:07:21,240
I'm all for that.
189
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:22,740
What other stories
you got, Reagan?
190
00:07:22,740 --> 00:07:23,680
Well, I remember the time
191
00:07:23,670 --> 00:07:26,570
I invited Ed Sullivan
to the White House.
192
00:07:26,570 --> 00:07:28,240
He sounded a little
something like this:
193
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:31,610
(imitating Ed Sullivan):
Hey, Ron, tonight we got
a really big show.
194
00:07:31,610 --> 00:07:34,080
Ah, Reagan
does impressions!
195
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:34,780
That's right.
196
00:07:34,780 --> 00:07:37,050
And you know who else
does impressions?
197
00:07:37,050 --> 00:07:37,480
Rich Little.
198
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:40,720
In fact, you ought to go see his
show at the Mohegan Sun Casino
199
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:43,650
next Saturday
at 3:00 PM and 5:00 PM.
200
00:07:43,660 --> 00:07:45,130
Wait a second.
201
00:07:45,130 --> 00:07:46,670
Yeah, no (bleep).
What?
202
00:07:46,660 --> 00:07:48,220
Peter, that's not Ronald Reagan.
203
00:07:48,230 --> 00:07:49,460
That's Rich Little!
204
00:07:49,460 --> 00:07:50,560
You're Rich Little!
205
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:52,190
He must be on his
own ham radio!
206
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:54,000
(imitating Johnny Carson):
Ah, well, uh, you know, Ed,
207
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:57,600
the kids say you gotta go viral
to promote yourself these days.
208
00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:59,100
So, this is not Reagan?
209
00:07:59,110 --> 00:08:00,180
No, it's Rich Little.
210
00:08:00,170 --> 00:08:01,240
He's an impressionist.
211
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:02,500
He's been screwing
with your head.
212
00:08:02,510 --> 00:08:03,940
Well, this thing
is worthless!
213
00:08:03,940 --> 00:08:06,610
Like my Palestinian
alarm clock.
214
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:09,960
Allahu Akbar!
215
00:08:17,020 --> 00:08:18,090
Hey, Peter, what's up?
216
00:08:18,090 --> 00:08:18,820
Hey, Quagmire, uh, listen,
217
00:08:18,830 --> 00:08:21,270
I'm here to get my money
back for that ham radio.
218
00:08:21,260 --> 00:08:23,230
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down there, partner.
219
00:08:23,230 --> 00:08:24,190
All sales are final.
220
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,170
Yeah, but you were Agamemnon
with me during the sale.
221
00:08:27,170 --> 00:08:27,440
What?
222
00:08:27,430 --> 00:08:29,400
I just saw that word somewhere.
I wanted to use it.
223
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,370
Look, Peter, why don't you just
go home before you get hurt?
224
00:08:32,370 --> 00:08:33,540
Well, I'm clearly
not the only one
225
00:08:33,540 --> 00:08:35,070
who was dissatisfied
with his purchase.
226
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:37,820
Whoever bought that baby from
you obviously didn't want it.
227
00:08:37,810 --> 00:08:41,010
A baby? I didn't sell a baby.
228
00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:45,080
Look, there's a note.
229
00:08:45,290 --> 00:08:47,160
"Glenn, this is your child.
230
00:08:47,150 --> 00:08:49,650
Next time wear
a condom, jerk."
231
00:08:49,660 --> 00:08:50,730
Oh, my God!
232
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,350
Well, now,
hang on, Quagmire.
233
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:54,620
There's no guarantee
it's your baby.
234
00:08:54,630 --> 00:08:55,690
Giggity?
235
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:59,040
Oh...
I say that.
236
00:09:06,010 --> 00:09:07,750
Well, the DNA test
results are back.
237
00:09:07,740 --> 00:09:10,610
This little girl is definitely
your baby, Quagmire.
238
00:09:10,610 --> 00:09:12,210
Wh-What am I
supposed to do?
239
00:09:12,210 --> 00:09:13,280
I-I don't want a baby.
240
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,540
Look, somebody's gotta take
this kid off my hands.
241
00:09:15,550 --> 00:09:16,580
I-I can't be a father.
242
00:09:16,580 --> 00:09:18,650
Well, Glenn, you don't
have a choice.
243
00:09:18,650 --> 00:09:20,450
This baby is
your responsibility.
244
00:09:20,450 --> 00:09:23,220
Now, I brought you a basket
of things to get you started.
245
00:09:23,220 --> 00:09:25,550
There's baby clothes,
some toys, and some books.
246
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:29,420
Now, if you have any questions,
we're right across the street.
247
00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:37,570
Hey, what's going on?
248
00:09:37,570 --> 00:09:38,230
(coos)
249
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:41,470
Not really sure what I'm
supposed to do with you.
250
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,650
There's some frozen steaks
in the freezer.
251
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:46,910
Bathroom's down the hall
to the right.
252
00:09:46,910 --> 00:09:49,880
Uh, if you ever come home
and there's a tie on the door,
253
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,510
it means I'm froggin' someone,
254
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:54,820
so give me at least,
uh, a couple hours.
255
00:09:54,820 --> 00:09:57,450
You smoke?
256
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:02,420
Stewie, what are
you doing here?
257
00:10:02,430 --> 00:10:05,360
I thought you were going to
Bobby Stalling's birthday party.
258
00:10:05,370 --> 00:10:06,340
Ugh, I hate that kid.
259
00:10:06,330 --> 00:10:08,560
And I hate children's
birthday parties.
260
00:10:08,570 --> 00:10:10,800
I sent Bitch Stewie
in my place.
261
00:10:13,170 --> 00:10:15,300
Oh, what a great
little party, Janet.
262
00:10:15,310 --> 00:10:19,110
You know, I've never seen Stewie
come out of his shell so much.
263
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:22,340
Oh, no, it's not on his tail.
264
00:10:22,350 --> 00:10:24,610
It's on his face.
I've ruined it!
265
00:10:24,620 --> 00:10:26,580
Oh, no, well,
that's okay, though.
266
00:10:26,590 --> 00:10:28,460
Somebody else will come along
and get it right!
267
00:10:28,460 --> 00:10:30,830
Thanks for coming to my
birthday party, Stewie.
268
00:10:30,820 --> 00:10:32,950
Oh, I wouldn't have
missed it for anything!
269
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,060
I've never been
to a party before!
270
00:10:35,060 --> 00:10:36,860
Wanna watch me
blow out the candles?
271
00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:38,430
I would love to see that!
272
00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:40,730
And gosh, Bobby,
I'd love to play
273
00:10:40,730 --> 00:10:41,900
with some of your
birthday toys,
274
00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:43,570
but only after you've
played with them
275
00:10:43,570 --> 00:10:45,700
and only if you
say it's okay!
276
00:10:45,710 --> 00:10:46,610
You know, Stewie,
I gotta say,
277
00:10:46,610 --> 00:10:48,580
that clone of yours
has come in pretty handy.
278
00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:50,720
I, uh, don't suppose
you'd consider
279
00:10:50,710 --> 00:10:52,810
making one of those
for me, would you?
280
00:10:52,810 --> 00:10:54,410
(chuckles)
Maybe.
281
00:10:54,410 --> 00:10:56,650
What would you be
willing to do for me?
282
00:10:56,650 --> 00:10:57,680
What do you want?
283
00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:00,320
Take your index finger
and your thumb
284
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,880
and lightly grip
the base of your tail.
285
00:11:02,890 --> 00:11:04,320
What?
286
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:06,320
Lightly grip
the base of your tail
287
00:11:06,330 --> 00:11:08,130
with your index finger
and your thumb
288
00:11:08,130 --> 00:11:12,090
and then slide your fingers
up the length of your tail
289
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:13,360
to the tip.
290
00:11:13,370 --> 00:11:13,670
Why?
291
00:11:13,670 --> 00:11:15,840
Because that's
what I asked you to do.
292
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:16,810
That's kind of weird.
293
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,300
Is this some kind
of sexual thing?
294
00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:19,810
Nobody said anything
about "sexual."
295
00:11:19,810 --> 00:11:21,280
There's nothing
sexual about it.
296
00:11:21,270 --> 00:11:23,670
I'm just asking you
to perform a simple task.
297
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,490
Take your index finger
and your thumb
298
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:28,910
and lightly grip
the base of your tail
299
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:32,790
and run your fingers
along the length of your tail.
300
00:11:32,790 --> 00:11:33,490
You mean, stroke it?
301
00:11:33,490 --> 00:11:35,830
Nobody used that word.
This is not a stroking motion.
302
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:39,520
This is a completely nonsexual
thing I am asking you to do
303
00:11:39,530 --> 00:11:41,730
in a completely
nonsexual way.
304
00:11:41,730 --> 00:11:44,460
Squeeze the base
of the tail lightly
305
00:11:44,460 --> 00:11:46,460
with your thumb
and index finger
306
00:11:46,470 --> 00:11:49,270
and then,
while continuing to squeeze,
307
00:11:49,270 --> 00:11:52,730
run them up the length
of your tail to the tip.
308
00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:54,870
And I'll make you a clone.
309
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,550
I only have to do it once?
310
00:11:56,540 --> 00:11:59,310
I'll tell you when to stop.
311
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,720
(laughing):
I don't know
why you're stopping.
312
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,360
Nobody told you to stop.
313
00:12:07,950 --> 00:12:10,490
Give me a little smile.
314
00:12:10,490 --> 00:12:11,520
Your lips look
a little dry.
315
00:12:11,530 --> 00:12:14,500
Why don't you wet 'em
a little bit?
316
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:16,530
(laughing)
317
00:12:16,530 --> 00:12:19,030
Oh, my God,
you're so weird!
318
00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:22,130
All right, I'll make you
a clone, buddy.
319
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,240
Oh, she's a beautiful
little girl, Glenn.
320
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:28,840
Have you given her
a name yet?
321
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:29,840
Yeah, I named her
Anna Lee,
322
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:31,940
but I'm probably just going
to call her "Annal" for short.
323
00:12:31,950 --> 00:12:32,950
That's funny.
Thank you.
324
00:12:32,950 --> 00:12:34,720
Anyway,
thanks for all the baby stuff.
325
00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,280
Hey, what's
that big tarp over there?
326
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:39,250
Oh, that was Chris's blankie
from when he was a baby.
327
00:12:39,250 --> 00:12:39,920
Yeah, he was a big kid.
328
00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,580
Almost split Lois in half,
coming out of her.
329
00:12:42,590 --> 00:12:43,320
It's true.
330
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,390
I never mentioned this because
I don't want him to feel bad,
331
00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:48,720
but after he was born, they had
to rearrange most of my organs.
332
00:12:48,730 --> 00:12:51,390
Oh, yeah. He dragged half
of Lois right out with him.
333
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,730
Yeah, the doctors said I'll
be lucky if I live past 50,
334
00:12:53,730 --> 00:12:58,330
but Chris is healthy,
and I thank God for that.
335
00:13:01,710 --> 00:13:02,500
Oh, there you are, Brian.
336
00:13:02,510 --> 00:13:04,940
All right, you ready
to meet your clone?
337
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:05,580
Am I ever?
338
00:13:05,580 --> 00:13:07,580
I've got a to-do list
three pages long for him.
339
00:13:07,580 --> 00:13:10,350
Okay, now I want to qualify
this by reminding you
340
00:13:10,350 --> 00:13:11,550
that, as with my clone,
341
00:13:11,550 --> 00:13:13,080
the intelligence level
is reduced a bit.
342
00:13:13,090 --> 00:13:14,860
That's good. We don't
want him thinking too much.
343
00:13:14,850 --> 00:13:16,990
Yeah, well, I might
have dialed yours back
344
00:13:16,990 --> 00:13:18,820
a little more
than I ought to have.
345
00:13:18,830 --> 00:13:19,830
What do you mean?
346
00:13:19,830 --> 00:13:20,830
Brian,
meet Bitch Brian.
347
00:13:20,830 --> 00:13:25,400
Hi, Brian. You got some stuff
you want me to do for you?
348
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:26,530
Oh, my God.
349
00:13:26,530 --> 00:13:27,900
Yeah. That's kind of
what I said, too.
350
00:13:27,900 --> 00:13:29,800
You know, I'll-I'll be honest
with you, Brian.
351
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:30,530
Here's what happened.
352
00:13:30,540 --> 00:13:31,840
I didn't really want
to do the work,
353
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,740
so Bitch Stewie
sort of did it.
354
00:13:33,740 --> 00:13:35,940
Hey, Stewie,
how'd the clone turn out?
355
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:39,010
Brian, I can't go
to the bathroom by myself.
356
00:13:39,010 --> 00:13:39,910
Will you please help me?
357
00:13:39,910 --> 00:13:42,510
But I'm good
at other stuff!
358
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:47,350
(doorbell rings)
359
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:49,530
Hello, Candy.
360
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:50,820
Hi, Glenn.
361
00:13:50,820 --> 00:13:53,020
Come on in.
362
00:13:55,730 --> 00:13:57,990
(retro jazz tune plays)
363
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,570
ś ś
364
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,920
So, how long you been
in beauty school?
365
00:14:25,930 --> 00:14:26,630
Two months.
366
00:14:26,630 --> 00:14:28,900
Well, tonight
we're doing facials.
367
00:14:30,430 --> 00:14:31,460
(baby crying)
368
00:14:31,460 --> 00:14:34,860
Oh, God. Hang on a second.
369
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:38,130
Okay, okay. Stop.
Just stop crying.
370
00:14:38,140 --> 00:14:39,100
Stop crying, Anna Lee.
371
00:14:39,110 --> 00:14:42,280
Oh, no wonder. You
dropped your pacifier.
372
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:46,310
(buzzes)
373
00:14:48,650 --> 00:14:50,750
You have a baby?
Yeah. It's a long story.
374
00:14:50,750 --> 00:14:53,480
Damn kid's kept me up
every night for two weeks.
375
00:14:53,490 --> 00:14:54,990
Now, where were we?
376
00:14:54,990 --> 00:14:56,550
Giggity-giggity...
377
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,430
(snoring)
378
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:09,200
CANDY:
Glenn, you fell asleep,
so I took off.
379
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,030
It's probably for the best.
380
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:12,110
I've never had sex before,
381
00:15:12,110 --> 00:15:15,010
and I probably wouldn't
have been much good at it.
382
00:15:15,010 --> 00:15:16,570
(screaming)
383
00:15:16,580 --> 00:15:17,580
(Anna Lee crying)
384
00:15:17,580 --> 00:15:19,880
That's it.
That kid is out of here.
385
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,540
Hey, there's another note.
386
00:15:21,550 --> 00:15:25,080
"Glenn, this is your child.
Next time wear a condom, jer..."
387
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:28,590
Oh, that's the note
from earlier.
388
00:15:28,590 --> 00:15:29,550
I...
389
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,430
need a file cabinet.
390
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:39,160
So, it's just not working out,
me being a father.
391
00:15:39,170 --> 00:15:40,410
And that's why I'm wondering
392
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,930
if you and Lois would be
willing to adopt the baby.
393
00:15:42,940 --> 00:15:44,210
Uh... Oh, boy, Quagmire.
394
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:45,500
I-I don't know
that we can do that.
395
00:15:45,510 --> 00:15:47,850
We-we-we can barely take
care of the two we have.
396
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,270
Now-Now, this is
just a suggestion.
397
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:52,620
Just throwing it out there.
Have you considered abortion?
398
00:15:52,610 --> 00:15:54,540
Uh, Peter, I think
it's too late for that.
399
00:15:54,550 --> 00:15:56,720
Oh, don't let the press
put the scare into you.
400
00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:58,660
Wade v. Boggs has
not been overturned.
401
00:15:58,650 --> 00:16:01,550
Yeah, but you can't really
abort a live baby.
402
00:16:01,550 --> 00:16:03,950
Ho, boy, they have got you.
403
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,130
Glenn, Glenn.
404
00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:06,660
(whispering):
Give her back to God.
405
00:16:06,660 --> 00:16:09,220
Peter, I'm going to go ahead and
move the conversation forward.
406
00:16:09,230 --> 00:16:11,860
Is there any way
you guys could take Anna Lee?
407
00:16:11,870 --> 00:16:12,800
No, Quagmire.
408
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:13,960
We got enough kids
of our own,
409
00:16:13,970 --> 00:16:15,540
plus ol' Brian over there.
410
00:16:15,540 --> 00:16:16,310
Right, buddy?
411
00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:18,070
I sharpened a
pencil in my bum
412
00:16:18,070 --> 00:16:20,700
and now I need
a Band-Aid.
413
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:26,890
You're doing
the right thing, Quagmire.
414
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:28,940
All right, Quagmire, just so
you're clear on the law,
415
00:16:28,950 --> 00:16:32,010
once you give this child up
to the adoption agency,
416
00:16:32,020 --> 00:16:34,880
you can no longer abort it.
417
00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:35,780
Hello, sir.
418
00:16:35,790 --> 00:16:37,950
Do you wish to put this
child up for adoption?
419
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,060
Yeah.
It's not working out.
420
00:16:39,060 --> 00:16:40,220
I need to get her
out of my hair.
421
00:16:40,230 --> 00:16:41,700
Well, we can
help you there.
422
00:16:41,690 --> 00:16:42,890
Is it a boy or a girl?
423
00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:45,270
It's a girl.
Her name's Anna Lee.
424
00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:46,570
Oh, beautiful name.
425
00:16:46,570 --> 00:16:48,470
Let me take her from you.
426
00:16:51,670 --> 00:16:54,670
Well, go on, Quagmire.
Give her the baby.
427
00:16:54,670 --> 00:16:55,940
I-I will.
428
00:16:55,940 --> 00:16:57,770
I-I just...
429
00:16:59,750 --> 00:17:01,690
Oh...
430
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:02,140
Here.
431
00:17:02,150 --> 00:17:06,280
She, uh... She'll go
to a good home, right?
432
00:17:06,290 --> 00:17:07,090
Oh, yes.
433
00:17:07,090 --> 00:17:08,090
She'll be
somewhere safe, right?
434
00:17:08,090 --> 00:17:11,130
Like, you're not going to put
her with sand people, right?
435
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,150
You mean like
from Star Wars?
436
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,920
(laughs)
No, no, no, no, no.
437
00:17:18,130 --> 00:17:21,330
Brian, I didn't know if
you wanted a God's eye,
438
00:17:21,330 --> 00:17:22,800
but I made you one.
439
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:23,830
Uh...
440
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:24,980
Okay, thank you.
441
00:17:24,970 --> 00:17:26,900
Did you wash my car,
like I asked?
442
00:17:26,910 --> 00:17:28,850
No, but I hit it
with a rock.
443
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,000
Okay, thanks.
444
00:17:30,010 --> 00:17:33,210
Brian, I think my jaw
is falling off.
445
00:17:33,210 --> 00:17:34,240
Oh! Oh, G...
446
00:17:34,250 --> 00:17:35,690
Stewie, what is happening
to this thing?!
447
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:38,650
Oh, yeah. Turns out the clones
aren't too stable, Brian.
448
00:17:38,650 --> 00:17:40,280
I've been having
some trouble with mine, too.
449
00:17:40,290 --> 00:17:43,800
Hey, Stewie, everything sounds
like rushing water.
450
00:17:43,790 --> 00:17:45,990
And I can't stand up
so very good.
451
00:17:45,990 --> 00:17:47,990
Yeah, I figure they've got
less than a minute
452
00:17:47,990 --> 00:17:49,620
before they
dissolve completely.
453
00:17:49,630 --> 00:17:51,830
Hey, Brian?
Knock-knock.
454
00:17:51,830 --> 00:17:53,160
Who's there?
455
00:17:53,170 --> 00:17:54,610
(passes gas)
456
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,900
(laughing)
457
00:17:57,900 --> 00:18:01,540
Whoa. I hope
that doesn't happen to me.
458
00:18:02,710 --> 00:18:03,710
He took my dry cleaning
459
00:18:03,710 --> 00:18:05,870
and I have no idea
what he did with the ticket.
460
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:07,880
Yeah, this was not
a fruitful endeavor.
461
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:12,080
I'm not proud of this,
but I need to lick that up.
462
00:18:14,790 --> 00:18:17,030
(hard rock playing)
463
00:18:17,420 --> 00:18:18,820
This will be great,
Quagmire.
464
00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:21,200
A nudie bar is
the perfect way to celebrate
465
00:18:21,190 --> 00:18:22,690
your first night
without a baby.
466
00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:24,070
Yeah, Peter,
this is great.
467
00:18:24,060 --> 00:18:24,860
I feel like myself again.
468
00:18:24,860 --> 00:18:27,800
I'll tell ya, my life was
so dominated by that baby.
469
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:28,960
I'm glad she's gone.
470
00:18:28,970 --> 00:18:30,100
Eh, you know sometimes,
you just got
471
00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:31,370
to make a decision
and go with it.
472
00:18:31,370 --> 00:18:34,870
Like when I decided to try
that radical penis enlargement.
473
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:37,020
Peter, I don't think...
474
00:18:37,010 --> 00:18:38,910
Brian, your objections
are duly noted.
475
00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:40,210
Now hit the gas!
476
00:18:40,210 --> 00:18:42,180
(tires squealing)
477
00:18:42,180 --> 00:18:43,410
(loud snapping)
478
00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,650
You know that would never work
again in a million years.
479
00:18:46,650 --> 00:18:48,750
Don't need it to, Brian.
480
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,160
Heh. That stripper
has a rash on her ass,
481
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,190
just like Anna Lee
used to get.
482
00:18:55,190 --> 00:18:55,860
Uh, yeah.
483
00:18:55,860 --> 00:18:58,330
And that other stripper's
sitting on that guy's lap,
484
00:18:58,330 --> 00:19:00,660
just like Anna Lee used to do.
485
00:19:00,670 --> 00:19:01,040
I guess.
486
00:19:01,030 --> 00:19:04,370
And that stripper only has
one tooth, just like Anna Lee.
487
00:19:04,370 --> 00:19:06,270
Quagmire,
you feeling okay?
488
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:07,000
I don't know.
489
00:19:07,010 --> 00:19:09,280
I think I might have
made a terrible mistake.
490
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,020
I abandoned my daughter!
491
00:19:11,010 --> 00:19:13,980
Why did I give away
my only daughter?!
492
00:19:13,980 --> 00:19:15,940
(sobbing):
Oh...
493
00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:18,150
Oh, God.
494
00:19:18,150 --> 00:19:19,780
(sobbing)
495
00:19:19,790 --> 00:19:20,860
He'll be fine.
496
00:19:20,850 --> 00:19:22,220
We shouldn't let this
ruin our night.
497
00:19:22,220 --> 00:19:24,720
Let's just enjoy
the strippers.
498
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:25,050
I guess.
499
00:19:25,060 --> 00:19:27,390
I just hate the way that one
gets so into her work.
500
00:19:27,390 --> 00:19:29,420
You boys have
been very naughty.
501
00:19:29,430 --> 00:19:33,060
I'm going to have to
assign you extra homework.
502
00:19:33,070 --> 00:19:36,010
Darn it.
Fractions are so hard.
503
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,330
What did you get
for number four?
504
00:19:37,340 --> 00:19:39,910
She said, "Don't
share answers"!
505
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,920
All right, here
it is: 625 Maple.
506
00:19:44,910 --> 00:19:47,310
That's the family
that adopted Anna Lee.
507
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:50,150
Hey, wait, wait.
Guys?!
508
00:19:50,150 --> 00:19:55,450
Well, it's just me
and my old nemesis, First Step.
509
00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:56,430
(laughing)
510
00:19:56,420 --> 00:19:57,790
Hey, Joe, what you doing?
511
00:19:57,790 --> 00:19:58,950
You out for a walk?
512
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,090
I hate this block.
513
00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:04,240
(gasps)
There she is!
514
00:20:04,230 --> 00:20:05,790
There's Anna Lee!
515
00:20:07,830 --> 00:20:09,800
Hang on, Anna Lee.
I'm coming.
516
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,170
(grunting)
517
00:20:12,210 --> 00:20:14,210
(gasps)
It's them.
518
00:20:22,220 --> 00:20:23,290
Look at her.
519
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:25,310
She looks so happy.
520
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,350
Almost like she belongs there.
521
00:20:28,350 --> 00:20:31,050
They look like a real family.
522
00:20:31,060 --> 00:20:34,070
I can't take her
away from this.
523
00:20:34,060 --> 00:20:35,260
JOE:
What's happening?!
524
00:20:35,260 --> 00:20:36,790
He's not going
to go through with it!
525
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:40,140
It's a nice family and the kid
will be better off here!
526
00:20:40,130 --> 00:20:41,200
Aw, that's sweet!
527
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,430
What's the inside
of the house look like?!
528
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,280
Colonial!
Furniture's pretty good!
529
00:20:45,270 --> 00:20:47,270
Possibly imported area rug!
530
00:20:47,270 --> 00:20:47,970
Oh, that's nice!
531
00:20:47,970 --> 00:20:50,270
A bit pricey, but for
the money you're spending,
532
00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,420
you know, it's not
a bad way to go!
533
00:20:52,410 --> 00:20:53,440
Yeah, for the money!
534
00:20:53,450 --> 00:20:55,050
You ready to go, Quagmire?
535
00:20:55,050 --> 00:20:55,710
Yeah.
536
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:58,090
You know, I got to tell you,
I think you did a good thing.
537
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,080
Well, I guess I just realized
it's not about me.
538
00:21:01,090 --> 00:21:04,160
This family is what's
best for Anna Lee.
539
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,160
This is her home now.
540
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:07,420
I got to let her go.
541
00:21:07,430 --> 00:21:08,970
I'm proud of you, Quagmire.
542
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,260
Thanks, man.
Hey, who knows?
543
00:21:10,260 --> 00:21:12,460
Maybe I'll bump
into her in 18 years.
544
00:21:12,470 --> 00:21:13,100
What?!
545
00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:15,760
Did you really think I was
going to change that much?
546
00:21:15,770 --> 00:21:18,100
Good night, everybody!